On May 5, 2003 a South African hero, and liberation icon, drew his last breath.  Walter Sisulu, passed away.

Since that day, to the day of his funeral on May 17, every radio and television station that I tuned into shared anecdotes and conducted interviews with those who had known and worked with Sisulu. People told story after story of his life and his greatness.

President Mbeki described him as “an African colossus and gentle giant with unwavering humanism”.  Desmond Tutu said that, “Sisulu epitomized an altruism that led him to do things for others, not for self-aggrandisement”.  Nelson Mandela said that he was the greatest of all great leaders.  “His greatness as a leader derived from his humility, and his ingrained belief in, and respect for, others…He was always a unifier, never a divider. Where many of us would speak a hasty word, or act in anger, he was the patient one, seeking to heal and bring together”.

And so the eulogies continued, with accolades and expressions of genuine affection and love pouring in from people from all walks and stations of life.

Initially I was awed by the tributes that cascaded through the airwaves, and I was grateful for the life Sisulu had lived.  He was a model leader.  However, after some time I began to experience feelings of disquiet. The more I listened to how this humble man had touched the lives of others around him, the more discouraged I felt.

At first I was confused by my feelings.  Had I been triggered something that made me compare my meagre achievements with those of this great man, only to find that I was greatly wanting? I reflected on this, and thoughts came to me about others who had lived and died.

Then it hit me. I wondered whether Walter Sisulu felt appreciated while he lived. Did he really know how much he mattered? How much people valued him as a person while he was alive?

I never knew Sisulu. So I do not know the specific answers to those questions.  But I do know that many millions of people live and die without ever really knowing how significant their lives were.  And so they leave this world feeling failures, thinking that they have made little difference, experiencing a sense of  “quiet desperation” as Henry Thoreau once put it. Yet, at their funerals, the laurels roll in.  Recognition, praise and salutations are heaped upon the deceased.  But they cannot hear these expressions because they are dead.

Why do we wait for somebody to pass on before we tell him how much he is valued?  Why do we wait for a relationship to end before we tell her how much we love her?  Why do we wait until it is too late before we recognize the outstanding qualities of a person? What good does it do to the recipient when he or she is no longer with us?

Some time ago I counselled a company director who felt that he was going downhill. He was having trouble with his health and consequently did not have the energy to apply himself in his habitual manner. He felt depressed and, at one stage, considered taking his life.  Nobody ever complained about his performance and, as far as I could ascertain, my client’s managing director did not indicate that he was ever dissatisfied with his performance.  Yet my client was just waiting for the “axe to fall”.

Then my client passed away. He experienced a massive heart attack.  Thousands of people attended his funeral and, as always, the credits continued on and on.  I sat in the church astounded.  How these people venerated him.  Yet he didn’t know it!  He died unhappy and miserable, a wretched man in his own eyes, and all the time people respected and admired him. If only he had known!  What a difference it would have made!

Has a subordinate done a good job? Then express appreciation. Do you love someone? Then tell him or her. Has someone influenced your life positively?  Then acknowledge it. Has a friend gone out of his way to do something special for you? Then tell him how much that gesture means.  Has someone made a difference in your life?  Then send her a card, letter or email.

Don’t take people for granted.  Make them feel special while you can.  And it doesn’t matter whether it is your co-worker, your subordinate, your parent, your spouse, your child, your friend or anybody else.  Give them expressions of appreciation, love, respect and admiration while they live, when they can enjoy and delight in receiving them.

A university professor I know once gave his MBA class an assignment. The assignment was for students to express gratitude or love to someone in the next week.  It didn’t matter whether that someone was a person at work, at home or anywhere else.  The only condition was that words of gratitude or love had to be specifically expressed, and they had to be genuine.

At face value this did not appear to be a difficult assignment.  However, bear in mind that the group comprised almost entirely of men between the ages of 35 and 45. Furthermore, most of these men were competitive, ambitious businessmen who were uncomfortable with expressions of emotion.

A week later, at the beginning of the next class, the professor asked for feedback. Duncan shared his story.

“I was quite angry with you when you gave me this assignment.  I didn’t think it had anything to do with an MBA.  Anyway, I reluctantly gave it some thought and was surprised at how seldom I had said anything positive to anybody, including my staff, my wife and children”.

“The next day, in my car, it occurred to me that I hadn’t spoken to my father for several weeks.  I had always admired my father. He was my role model.  Yet, as far as I could remember, I had never told him how much I cared for him. So right then and there I decided to visit my father to tell him that I loved him. I felt awkward and uncomfortable, but since I had to do it, I thought that I may as well get it over with”.

“That evening my wife and I called on my father. As soon as we were seated in his lounge I took a deep breath and said, ‘Dad, I came over to tell you that I love you’.

“My dad looked at me, and tears started welling in his eyes.  He stood up, reached out for me, and we hugged each other.  Then he commenced sobbing. After a while he said, ‘ I love you too son but I’ve never been able to say it’.

“We were quiet for a while, then my dad continued. ‘Son, today my doctor called and told me I have cancer that has spread. He says I’ve only got a few months. I wasn’t going to say anything, but now I want you to know’. Well, I continued hugging my dad, and I cried”.

“My dad and I have always had a good relationship, but that night something happened. We reached out to one another and found each other in a very special way”.

“So my message to you in this class is this: Don’t wait to tell people you care.  Don’t wait to do what needs to be done.  Tomorrow might be too late. Six months from now my dad won’t be with us, but to his dying day he’ll know that he is loved by me. It’s the greatest gift I could have given him, and it’s changed my life too.  Since that night I’ve told my wife I love her, I’ve told my children I love them and, although I don’t tell my staff I love them, I let them know that I value their contributions. This one assignment has affected me more profoundly than anything I have ever done”.

Life is too short to leave kind things unsaid.  Genuine expressions of gratitude, encouragement and love may make all the difference in the world to someone. It will make a difference to you as well.

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Dr Ray Laferla, CEO of Integrated Human Dynamics, publishes articles as the one you have just read, on a monthly basis, free of charge.

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